Let's Be Real, Some Days F****** Suck! Or Do They?

Cut The Crap, Charlie! It's Not Always Rainbows & Grape Blunt Wraps!

Lately, I've struggled with finding the beauty in each day. It's as though I've plateaued to a bland, mundane level of completing daily routines. Now, I know this is normal for recovering alcoholics and addicts, but I was really hoping I could bypass this step. Because, at the end of the day, I'm still a lazy drunk who wants to feel good by doing as little as possible. Earn my happiness, what the frog is that all about, yo? Why can't I just be happy, no matter what? And then I think, but wait, happiness without other emotions isn't really happiness at all, now is it? Perhaps I need these bleak, ordinary days in order to appreciate the dynamics of this thing called life? What is they say, without the rain, we would never appreciate the warmth of the sun? Something like that. But they're right, whoever they are, we're not meant to live endlessly in an oasis of joy and delight. It's hedonistic. It's the behavior of an alcoholic or addict.

But damn it, do I like it!

So what do we do when we're bored, understimulated, and feeling a bit sorry for ourselves? I mean, I can't drink it away anymore, so I kinda have to deal with it in a healthy, productive manner, huh? Drinking will only create more shame and toxicity, the polar opposite of seeking the beauty of the day. And I probably shouldn't wallow in the mediocrity of a regular day; I have a tendency to react rather dramatically, and yo-yoing from one emotion to another is just as bad as drinking. For me, at least. 

Nay, I should probably just take a few deep breaths, enjoy the morning sun on my face, and be grateful I'm alive and well. Not every day has to be epic, or filled with divine purpose. Some days are meant to be ordinary and dull. That's their beauty, and I shouldn't hide or sulk from it, just because I am accustomed to experiencing depravity on the reg, yo! That's insanity, yeah? That's also addiction.

You see, for those of us afflicted with the disease of addiction, it feels weird to not be elevated. It feels weird to be sober. Don't get me wrong, it's amazing and I'm beyond grateful, but it's a stark difference to my previous debauchery. It's so foreign to the life I lived for years, I sometimes have to catch my breath for no reason at all. Gone are the days of arrests, drunken texts, and damage control; replaced by humility, a desire to help my peers, and spread the message of hope and perseverance. Don't get me wrong, I'm not Saintly or proper now, just more adept at putting my energy to good use. The struggle to go off the rails and drink all the vodka in the world will always be there. Because that's a part of who I am as a man. I like to be altered, augmented, oh yes, but I've found ways of obtaining that feeling without the aid of a vodka bottle.

Music. Nature. Writing. A good cup of green tea after a nice meditation. Hanging out with friends, laughing. I can secure that elusive feeling of elevation and augmentation through safe, productive activities that give me the dopamine or serotonin spike I'm needing. (Side note, there's literally a shit ton of info on re-establishing your hedonic set levels, but for the purpose of this post, I'm not going to delve into that. Mayhaps, in a latter post, I will address this topic.) I know myself, that is one of the gifts from my journey with alcoholism. I learned who I am, and how I function. I know eliminating any thought or discussion about the fact that I like to be elevated would be detrimental to my sobriety. It would be a lie, tom-foolery, and I'm not having it. Be gentle with yourself, very few of us have the obsession of alcohol and drugs lifted swiftly and immediately. Denying a part of ourselves will only lead us back toward our demons.

If you're out there, and you're struggling with finding the beauty in each day, let's try something together. Let's close our eyes, take three deep breaths, and say "Thank you. Please help." Let's remind ourselves of the gift of life and experience, how lucky we are to partake in this ride. Be patient, be kind, be gentle, be hopeful. 

Oh, and have fun!